I wanted to be awesome for one day. And by one day, I mean last Tuesday.
Last Tuesday, I was going to be awesome.
I planned out my awesomeness in advance even. When I saw that flyer from the movie theater listing the outdated shows they would be running at select times with ticket prices set at $1, I knew that would be awesome.
Shark Tales. My kids had never seen it. Over-run and years behind cool, this movie would be new to my crew. And awesome. I added the date to my calendar more than a month ago.
This day I was going to be an awesome mom.
The timing could not have been more perfect for us. I have been out of town and away from home more than usual lately. A day spent making a memory, just my kids and me, was a perfect remedy.
I had the details planned out. I would trick my kids, tell them we needed to run to the thrift store and then – Surprise!
We are going to the movies! In the morning! On a Tuesday!
Your mom is awesome!
What a great plan, no?
I went by the bank a day in advance and cashed a small check, because even though the tickets were a dollar, snacks would not be. But I was prepared, this is the day I would say yes.
And so I got breakfast ready on time, gently prodded the kids along in their chores and kept the whole ship running on schedule so we could make the 10:00 am movie.
Just as we turned the corner toward the theater I made the announcement.
Guess what?! We’re not going to the thrift store, guys. We’re going to the movies!!
There were loud cheers and fanfare in the car. I take my kids to the movies maybe once a year, maybe. This was big stuff for us.
We pulled up to a mostly empty parking lot, which I knew was fantastic. We’ll have awesome seats on this awesome day of me being an awesome mom.
But then we noticed the open sign wasn’t lit. The theater was dark, empty. I rifled thru my purse for the flyer that declared the verdict.
The movie was not today. It was Thursday.
A couple of weeks ago I attended a writing retreat with the ladies who make up Club 31 Women. We talked and shared, learned and grew, and I listened carefully as some beautiful women poured wisdom straight into my heart.
Susan Alexander Yates spoke about choosing Process over Progress and her words sank below the surface. How often do I prefer to show my progress?
I like to talk about things after I’ve got them all figured out, serving them up in nice tidy packages. See my progress, it’s beautiful!
Check your favorites Intsagram feeds, they are full of beautiful progress.
But it takes something different to offer up our process. What does it look live a life that says – this is me living it out messy, trying my best and not always nailing it, but trust God bravely, that it is enough? Because He is enough.
What if our process reflects God more tangibly than our progress ever will?
What if process stretches our humility and more accurately points the world to him?
What if process connects us in our journey, in our messy wading through deep water, in our not so awesome moments and helps us link arms, hold hands as we keep stepping?
I’m over here moming hard, wifing hard, fighting hard and some days I just really want to be awesome at it. I try to be awesome at it. If I’m honest, there are parts of me that want to prove to the world, to my husband, to myself, gosh, even to God, that I can be awesome at it.
But who does my awesomeness benefit? What does my awesomeness preach to the world? To myself? To my kids?
When I sift that through my fingers I bit I realize, I want nothing to do with that.
God has never once called me to awesome.
There was no movie to watch on Tuesday. We drove to Wal-Mart and shopped for school supplies instead, which was not nearly as awesome.
But Thursday came and we went to the movies. No surprise. No fanfare. Not quite awesome, but a fun memory.
More process than perfection.
And in the end, that is the kind of motherhood I want my kids to see. This is the Katie the world needs to see. Not one that shouts of perfection, of awesome, but simply a mom trying her best, smiling wide and charging on bravely, though the process. Always trusting that He can and will use it all for his glory.